I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
This baby is an asshole
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
