There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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