eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
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