the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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