I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
