i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
This show inspires me to have sex in space
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
