Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
How does it feel to date your dad?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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