I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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