Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
