my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
