well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
