just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
