my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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