Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
