Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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