I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
