he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
