I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
