a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
