Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
