I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
