fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
