I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Sober January is a disaster.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
