Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
