So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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