Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
