Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
