i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
