Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
