the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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