Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
