God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Blood and glitter go together right?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
