I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
