So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
