Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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