Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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