i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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