pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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