I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
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