we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
we're making bets on your personal life
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
