I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
