We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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