I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
