Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
