why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
