apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
