I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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