that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
