I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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