Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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