My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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