just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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