if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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