She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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